Bitter is the flavor in my mouth this evening. I spent all fucking day, sunday, doing everyone’s laundry. And I mean all day. From 8am until 9pm and I still have a load in the dryer. So stupid. I spend one week away from the house and I come home to a MESS and I hate that I care so much about it. That I let these little things get to me. Mess drives me batty. I grew up in a very small, dirty and disorganized home. So dirty it was that I was afraid and embarrassed to have others come over. The messiness was my family’s secret. I am terrified, because my own organizational skills are nill, that my children will grow up in the same type of environment. These are the stupid things that keep me up at night.
Laundry.
Cleaning.
How am I going to make it through the week. It’s sunday night, tomorrow will be Monday and this means five days of complete responsibility of two, dear, darling little souls. It fucking stresses me out. I feel like my oldest loathes me because I’ve run out of ways to entertain him. Like I’m failing. But he’s funny and we laugh a lot together, read, assemble, lego, story time, etc.
My littlest is my joy. She’s so sweet and cuddly and wants nothing but the basics and I’m able to provide that for her.
I fear I am never, ever, ever going to be able to get it out of my head that things are FAIR. Life is fair. Things are equal. People in partnerships share responsibilities 50/50. Yeah? Well, if you believe that bullshit you’re pulling the wool over your eyes and you’ve got a sheep to sell me.
This thought of fairness and the unjustness of life has been bugging me since the beginning. From the time I saw that all Barbies had blond hair and I was brunette. They were preferred blond. This is a stupid comparison but I felt it worth typing out.
I want to go back to work. Even if it’s just part time at a clothing store. There is a mall a mile from our house and a store I’d like to work at is hiring. Here’s the problem. We are planning on going to NC for Thanksgiving and if I’m working retail it will most likely be mandatory that I work black friday. So what do I do?
I told my husband that I was going to wake up at 5:45am tomorrow and start C25K. He laughed. It hurt although he laughs for good reason. It will be impossible to get out of bed that early….for me anyway. I know I could do it if I didn’t have a baby to get up with in the middle of the night. I have to figure something out though. I have to start some exercise routine. It is the only thing that helps me, along with an antidepressant, with my depression. I feel myself slipping away every day. Most likely I will start hitting the gym after my oldest babe goes to bed. It’s not desirable to work out that late in the day BUT it’ll have to do.
Is it any wonder my self esteem is at an all time low?
